Mischief and Control

Sunday, November 28
A Christmas Carol opened tonight. It took every ounce of my energy to get motivated to go. Apparently Patti felt the same. She called me and left word that she didn't think she was coming. Stacey called and asked if I wanted a ride. Thank GOD! We headed of to the theater and she of course had to tell me all about her weekend and her escaped with Mr. Big. I was a captive audience. No really I thought about jumping but I like living.

We arrived and it was your usual for opening. We headed to Petterino's for the traditional opening night drink fest. Unfortunately our favorite barman Ed was not on so the drinks would not be on the house. However Roche pulled out his credit card and they were on him! There was also a treat in that Red was not there. It was the usual, Stacey Cindy, Roche and Steve and Suzanne (from devo) where the special guests. We chatted and at one point Suzanne started talking to Roche about how marketing and development had been strained in the past and why is it like that. That she had tried working with Kim (group sales) and it was difficult but they have worked it out. How she loved our new branding ideas and yadda, yadda. Cindy also caught the conversation and whispered "Are you catching this?" We both rolled our eyes and I thought "Oh how hard we are trying?' I am so over that. You know you do your job, you make it happen, stop the pontificating. Patti then showed up because Stacey shamed her into driving down and going to opening. The Great Street in the Renaissance hosted. I drank a lot but not to much. I wasn't drunk. I paced myself. It was an opening. Your usual fair. Only this time I didn't kill myself. I actually took some time just in case it was the last here.


MY THOUGHTS: I really love a lot of people I work with. It is the hardest thing about event thinking of leaving. Outside all the bullshit and Dementor like people I hate who suck all the happiness out of it. The group that is there makes me laugh. I have noticed how much we laugh lately and it is great. They have filled a void in work I thought only Kim could hold but they have made me want to be there at times it has been difficult. I love them. No matter what goes down they will be in my life much like those who I have become family in my Sinclair and Bluejacket worlds.


TODAY
Today was easy for the most part at work. I think all the reflection has liberated me in a way. I have also discovered some other things today.

DISCOVERY 1
L is in the place I was several weeks ago. I have moved on to the next phase of I want to see them succeed despite the idiocy. So, I am making every effort to help and not intrude. I am also looking to cover my ass should it go down. L needs to go though this and hopefully come out where I am. She has had contact with the "consultant" and things are happening still slowly but happening non the less. I want them to move on and make it happen. L is right in the fact that it can't go away. It just can't. It means to much. L wrote a great letter and was very receptive to my edits and sent it off in hopes that my Individual Campaign can go forward.

DISCOVERY 2
Judi my former "partner in crime" sent a mass email today regarding her trip to London. She is still teaching in The Emirate of Abu Dhabi. She is learning a lot and was talking of how she been on four different continents this year. It is what I admire most about her. She just does it. She has great fear but doesn't let it control her and she leaps. She is I believe turning 50 soon and she just does it. I want to leap. If not with this somewhere and some time soon. I don't know what it means but I am slowly discovering my ability to do and do on my own. Granted it was as small as concerts and a trip to Vegas but still I trying to not let fear control me.

DISCOVERY 3
I was thinking on conversations I was having last night regarding relationships. I know that for a fact I was burned and that is why I don't date. I also in the process of not dating let myself go and played it off as I don't care but I do. I don't' feel lonely. I don't feel a void yet I would like to feel I could go out if I wanted but I am not letting myself be interested because I am unhappy.

This year has been about a lot of self discovery. I am almost to the point of no return. A few more leaps of faith and I may be there.

In other news my phone has been disconnected but my DSL still works. There you go.